Holidays and Sibling Rivalry — Minimize Competition

Christmas is a beautiful time of year with smiling children opening presents under the tree — but that’s not always the case. Check out this scene.

Mom: Mark, since you’re the oldest why don’t you hand out presents? Then we can open them one at a time and see the happy expressions on each other’s face.

Tom (6-year-old): Why does he get to do everything? I never get to do anything.

Mom: Okay, Tom, you can help your brother.

Mark (8 years old): I don’t want his help.

Dad: Boys, please get along. It’s Christmas.

(General huffing and grumbling, but no fighting, can be heard as presents are handed out—until …)

Tom: Hey, look! I got more presents than Mark. Ha! Ha!

Mark (pausing to count presents): Mom, why did Tom get more presents than me? That’s not fair.

Mom: Well, Honey, your presents cost more because you’re bigger.

Mark (gloating to Tom): Did you hear that? I’m the biggest, and you’re the smallest.

Tom (pouting): I’ll always be the smallest. It’s not fair.

* * *

Dr. James Dobson says brotherly bickering is as old as the human race. “The underlying source of this conflict is old-fashioned jealousy and competition between children,” Dr. Dobson explains. “It was responsible for the first murder on record (when Cain killed Abel) and has been represented in virtually every two-child family from that time to this.”

But don’t be discouraged. While sibling rivalry may be a problem difficult to avoid, its effects can be managed and minimized. First, it’s a good idea to make sure that the presents coming from you are equal in number. Quantity matters more than quality to young children. You can’t control what other family members give your kids. But wrapping up a pair of socks or a ball to make the number of presents equal can save a lot of hurt feelings.

Second, Dr. Dobson says parents should try to avoid circumstances that compare children unfavorably with each other. When the mom in the above scene said Mark was bigger, Tom immediately became defensive about his size. Boys are especially sensitive about their physical stature and athletic ability.

Finally, Dr. Dobson and his wife made some house rules about sibling rivalry as they reared their children, Danae and Ryan. Some of these concepts could really help Mark and Tom’s parents.

* No. 1: Neither child should ever be allowed to make fun of the other in a destructive way. Period! This is an inflexible rule with no exceptions.
* No. 2: The older child is not permitted to tease the younger child.
* No. 3: The younger child is forbidden to harass the older child.

Obviously, Mark and Tom have mastered the art of teasing and harassing each other. Siblings do tend to have an uncanny knack of pushing the right buttons. However, their parents shouldn’t let this behavior continue. Dr. Dobson says that if children respect the leadership of the parent and the parent is willing to mediate and enforce the rules, even a harried holiday can turn into a happy one.

Have a “Happy” Christmas!